Matthew and Erika stand together in a panel wearing gloves and surgical masks as cartoon viruses float around them.

Matthew scratches the back of his head. “Friends, it’s 2020 and the world is… pretty weird right now. As of writing this comic, it’s the 23rd of March and the COVID-19 epidemic is the new hot thing.”

Erika fans herself. “Hot, literally. Like, fever-hot.”

Matthew continues, “We’re all hunkered away in self-isolation, avoiding the outside and washing our sticky paws every chance we get while trying not to touch our very-touchable-faces.” He wiggles his gloved fingers, as if trying to resist touching his dang face.

Erika adds, “But…”

A very pent up and frustrated person hollers, “I’M HORNY!” out of their apartment window at the top of their lungs.

Erika shrugs. “When has a little thing like a global disaster ever slowed humanity’s urge to hump?”

Matthew says, “Which leads us to today’s comic:”

Sex Tips for This Apocalypse

To understand how to fornicate during this outbreak, we must first understand the enemy…

COVID-19 starts out pretty symptomless, so you have this period of time where you’re contagious and just don’t even know it.

An illustration shows an infected person with virus particles around them about to shake hands with a non-infected person.

It’s passed from person to person through close contact, respiratory droplets (from coughing or sneezing), saliva, snot, and fecal matter.

An illustration shows air being expirated from someone’s mouth carrying out respiratory droplets next to another illustration of poop.

Which is all stuff that can be present when you’re rolling around with someone, regardless of the barriers you might be using. A romp pretty much guarantees you’ll share the virus if one of you has it.

So, what are your options?

When it comes to ALL sexual activity, even when we’re not in the middle of a plague, YOU are the safest lover you’ll ever have, so GIVE YOURSELF A HAND. You KNOW what you like and you can touch yourself exactly where you like it best. So wash your hands, lube up, dust off a sex toy and go to town on yourself!

If you live with your sexual partner(s) and you all feel fine and healthy, then you can probably - go to town on each other, no worries. You’ve been exposed to one another all this time, you can probably seal the deal with a tumble or two.

An illustration shows two people embracing each other and making smoochy lips with a heart above them.

But hooking up with someone new? Leaving the house for anything less than supplies or an emergency? Just don’t risk it.

An illustration now shows a person making a kissy face with virus particles floating off them being blocked off from another person with a giant X.

A person pops out from another apartment window, pointing at the phone in their hand. They say, “Guys, no, you don’t understand! I’m horny and I’m quarantined and I’ve got all these hot-to-trot matches! I wanna score during the scourge!”

Matthew waves at them. “Hey now, just cause you can’t be there in person doesn’t mean you can’t do the dirty long distance!”

“Yup, Erika and I are old hands at this. We did an LDR for 3.5 years, back when we were on different continents. That old Nokia of mine saw a lot of action! In the digital age you can (between consenting legal adults) text, selfie, call, or FaceTime while you get each other off! You have so many more high quality options than Erika and I did in the mid-2000s.”

Long distance is the perfect time to talk about those fantasies, kinks, and fetishes that you were too shy to bring up face-to-face before.

Sexting!

Tell your partner…

• What you’re feeling.


• What you find attractive about them.


• What you’d like to do with them (walk it through step by step, start small and build up to the more intense stuff).


• How your body is responding to this conversation.

Sexy Selfies!

• Tell a story with your photos, don’t just jump straight to your junk.


• Use mirrors for your difficult, fancy angles.


• Avoid face photos, hide birth marks and tattoos!


• Some apps provide a self-deleting feature so your photo will vanish - but that doesn’t stop someone from taking a screen capture.

Phone Sex!

• Play up the dirty talk, use the Sexting Prompts for ideas.


• It’s ok to take creative liberties, you can describe impossible acts that can’t exist in real life.


• Moan, breathe heavily and slowly!


• Ramp up the effects as you go.

Video Chat Sex!

• Set up some flattering lighting.


• Remember we all need foreplay, so start with some sexy teasing before you haul out your goods.


• Show them how you like to masturbate.


• Make requests, ask them to do specific things for you (as long as they’re comfortable with it!)


• To be safe, try to keep your face and distinguishing characteristics out of it.

Matthew and Erika stand back-to-back with each other, each holding up a phone. Matthew’s phone has a splashing sweat emoji popping out of it. Erika turns around to give Matthew some bedroom eyes as an eggplant emoji pops out of her phone.

Matthew continues, “As with EVERY kind of sex, you folks gotta communicate with each other. Ask what they’re comfortable doing, what they don’t want to do. Tell them what you’re interested in trying and how you’d like to do it. And when you’re done, don’t immediately bail! Stay in there if your boo is still going, you’ll find that your timings will be different with long-distance sex than in-person porking. It all might take some practice!”

Bonus Ideas:

• Share images that turn you on.


• Use toys while you masturbate (Some can even be controlled remotely with an app)


• Read an erotic book over the phone.


• Buy porn clips for each other.


• Write smutty stories for the other to read.

Speaking of porn: Now’s a REALLY good time to support the Sex Workers who are helping you get off while you get through this quarantine time!

Pursed lips are drawn with a dollar sign coming out of them in a speech bubble.

Most performers are self-employed, so check out their profiles to send them a tip, buy gift cards on their wishlists, and click their affiliate links to buy their porn so they’ll get a much needed cut of the sale!

And remember, you want a dirty mind, not dirty hands! So wash ‘em up good for twenty seconds before and after touching your junk. Clean your sex toys and disinfect your communication devices, too!

A person is shown thoroughly washing their hands as a thought bubble with a purple devil emoji pops out of their head.

Erika and Matthew pop out of adjacent apartment windows facing each other.

Matthew says, “As you can see, there’s so many things you can do with each other even when you’re far apart.” He puts his hands together, interlocking his fingers. “We can use this time of social isolation to CUM together!”

Erika winks. She says, “After all, you can’t spell QUARANTINE without U and I.”

Brought to you by our awesome patrons at patreon.com/erikamoen.

To repost or license this comic, visit ohjoysextoy.com/license.

This comic was posted on June 6, 2021 and transcribed May 12, 2022, by Dennie Park, who can be found at linktr.ee/DeepBeeps